Day 13: Live the Questions.

Paula Modersohn-Becker. Rainer Maria Rilke, 1906

This blog is a big part of my continued recovery, but unfortunately I won’t be able to spend much time online the next few days. So, this evening I’ll simply share a great quote from a great poet whose advice is just as valid for a recovering addict as it as for any young poet.

Be patient toward all
that is unsolved in your heart
and try to learn to love
the questions themselves.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Art: Rainer Maria Rilke, by Paula Modersohn-Becker

Day 10: “There’s An Old Voice in My Head That’s Holding Me Back.”

I’ve come down with a delightfully gross cold, so I’m calling it an early (and sober) night. So, instead of any real reflection I’ll leave you with this song tonight, Little Talks by Of Monsters & Men. I love this song for two reasons: the sound, of course, and one lyric in particular: “There’s an old voice in my head that’s holding me back.” This is a lyric that rings especially true to my newly sober ears. It’s a voice that I’m learning to engage in new and healthy ways. I also love the video itself–what a wicked great journey narrative, filled with fantastic beasts and demons; a Technicolor odyssey not unlike my own.

 

A Poem.

ImageAfter
By Dag

I’m always waiting for my life to begin
And I’ll get right on it, of course
Right after the next project at work is done
Right after Jen’s wedding.
After I get through that
I’ll stop drinking and start living.

So, next Monday for sure then,
After drinks with Joe
But just because it’s already planned.

But then again it’s the family reunion at the end of the month
I’ll want to wait until after that, certainly
It’ll be a hellish couple of weeks
You know, family and all
I’ll want a brew or two to take the edge off for sure.

So, really, after that I’ll stop drinking and start living.
Then things will be different
Really
I’ll have space to work on my life then
I’ll have time to call my sister back
I’ll start making healthier decisions
I’ll start saving money
It’s about time after all.

It’s a deal then.
After the project
After Jen’s wedding
After drinks with Joe
After the family reunion
That’s when I’ll stop drinking and start living.

That’s when it’ll all change
That’s when I’ll really have space to grow
That’s when I’ll open myself to becoming all I feel called to become.

Of course, things come up
Life is messy
So, I swear
For real, real, real this time
After the next party
Or maybe after whatever mess is after that
Because, let’s be fair,
That one could be a real problem
That’s when I’ll stop drinking
And that’s when I’ll start living.

And that’s when my life will begin.

Art: Wheatfield with Crows, by Vincent van Gogh